Don’t be a Nancy when you don’t have to be..

It’s crazy to think that I started this blog such a while back, fresh off the boat from New Zealand and with little to no idea about how things would be two years on; let alone where I would even be.

The last post I wrote was in November. Even since then, my life has vastly changed, with some beautiful memories and then obviously, some moments which have been somewhat challenging. I have not written anything since, as I believed that this blog was done; it had served its purpose and I would move on to other things!

However, I feel this is the right time to reemerge and for those of you who are interested, I would share with you a very valid lesson I have learned along life’s yellow brick road.

I may still not be a full-time fairy, nor own my own café by the sea, but I am in a completely different place to where I once was and I view it all as largely positive. 

Although I may not have reached those abovementioned ‘goals’, I have started to see my own potential, have belief in my friends and have started to trust my own judgment. Moreover, I love the way I am starting to actually deal with life – with whatever it throws at me. 

Life. Four small letters which sum up what we are all immersed in. It can deal us some pretty tricky cards at the best of times. I have recently felt like the past three months have been what I coin ‘somewhat hellish’. You know those times where you think what more can go wrong and you start to believe that the world is really not on your side. 

It feels as if the pressure has been laid on thick, and no self-help book can quick fix the anxious panic boiling up inside. You feel as if life is about to break you. 

I was scared, I panicked and I guess I was left with three options:  

a) pretend it isn’t happening;

b) react to it (and by that I mean basically lose it); or

c) get through it. 

I must confess that I did dabble with options a) and b) but can now safely say that choosing c) has been my saving grace. Ideally, we all want to be strong enough to choose this option. 

We are the masters of our own universe. I use to have complete internal conflict with this mantra. It did not sound real or practical on any level. The truth is, when there is no-one else to come to our rescue, we must muster up all we have and take total responsibility for our feelings and current circumstances. 

We can all play the woe is me card to some extent, but it doesn’t get you out of your rut. You may receive a few sympathy cards here and there, but the truth is, the majority of people will only come to your pity party for a limited time.  No-one likes to be around a negative Nancy. The more you and Nance become alike, the more negative you are probably going to attract into your life. 

I was absolutely devastated when I heard my Dad was unwell. My Dad is the guy who I spoke with every other day (even though I lived in London) and my own life coach! When I needed advice I would call on him. He was and still is my personal guru. It’s a tough realisation when we start to truly appreciate our parents aren’t infallible. It hit me hard and given the circumstances, Dad has not been able to call / email me as often. I spent awhile feeling frustrated and pretty hopeless, being angry and upset and then fell into a big black hole. 

 

I became withdrawn and really did start to look at everything which was seemingly going wrong in my life. Things seemed to snow ball in a big way and I was falling even further down the hole.  Although I had experienced these feelings before and somehow managed to come out the other side, I remained down the rabbit hole. 

Work seemed long and hard, I belittled myself as to why I wasn’t doing what I thought I ‘should’ be doing career wise and I didn’t want to see anyone. It was during one of these broken moments when I cracked. I was literally sick of being like this. I realised in that very quiet moment, I DON’T HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY…

Strange how seven basic words are loaded with such meaning. When we are locked in situations of pure rage, anger, sadness and frustration, it is hard to see the wood from the trees. We feel powerless and are locked into a negative mindset being controlled by emotion. It’s that emotion which has a tight grasp around us and although we may be trying to escape it - we just can’t. 

So what do you do? You stop fighting. Accept how you are feeling and realise that the only reason you are feeling this way is because you are focusing on everything that feels dire and is wrong. Take ownership and search deep to find courage that this too shall pass. Cling on to hope and stop feeding your inner Nancy. 

We can automatically feel low because we start to think about all the things that life does to us and this creates an avalanche of pain. We all know from our own experiences that this doesn’t have to always be the case. 

There have been plenty of bad situations which arise, whereupon you seem to have not fallen into the depths of the rabbit hole and have been able to soldier on. What makes what I have just described any different? It’s not because of luck or that you were necessarily stronger at that time, it was merely because you were being realistic. 

You realised somewhere down your path, that by feeding your negative Nancy, it was just going to depress you further and so you therefore chose not to play with Nancy. You didn’t change your immediate circumstances but you did change your mind set. You clung on to that feeling of hope that the crap you are facing is only transient and it isn’t going to define you and ruin your day; you took the control back. 

I’m no psychologist, let alone do I have any neuro-science background, but what I do know is that our emotions run on a cause and effect pattern. 

I recently thought about how two people can go through the same crisis but deal with it completely differently. I agree that we must all take some time to acknowledge how we are feeling; acknowledgement of pain is more than important as denial can be somewhat deadly but it doesn’t need to consume us. We cannot control the extent of things which can happen to us in our lives, but we can control how we choose to deal or react to it. 

In a nutshell what am I saying? With a positive attitude, choice of mindset, value can be created from anything that happens in life. You get to choose how you want to play your cards; you get to choose how you want to feel; you get to choose whether you are going to be a worrier or a warrior. 

I hope you too, are able to find this place, to channel life’s goodness and to ensure your own life is filled with abundance. 

It doesn’t matter what life throws at you – YOU got this. As my Dad has taught me, ‘it’s not why things happen, it’s how we best pick ourselves up. That’s what it’s important.' You don’t have to be a Nancy if you don’t want to; it’s your own choice.

It's not a breakdown it's a breakthrough

The last time I took to this blog, (in an attempt to write something meaningful) I burst into tears. They were tears of confusion and frustration; and I felt completely uninspired. I remember putting on my green winter coat, hiding my wet cheeks with a woollen scarf, and walking with a tight chest and feelings of irritation. I got home a few hours later and collapsed onto my bedroom floor. It wasn't because I was worried about my growing pile of rejection letters (I felt like I had applied for every creative job under the sun, thinking a change in career would be easy), it was the very real fear that I could no longer go on shunning my career aspirations which is simply doing something which I actually loved. I knew that in order to create such a reality, I must have to make some tough decisions and show commitment to my journey.

Ever since being honest to my boss about what it was I intended doing long-term (which would not include law), being honest to those who matter and being determined to do something about it - I have not only been surprised at the amount of support I have received, I have felt so much lighter within. The scene of desperate frustration in my bedroom that strained evening seems now, like a distant memory. At the time it felt like I was going through a breakdown; I know now that this was actually the beginnings of a personal breakthrough.

I have always shown an interest in not just writing, but acting. I was also fortunate enough to have experienced a somewhat magical childhood, where everything from fairies, thinking the reason 'whispering willows' were called that was because they were actually talking and it didn't matter how sore I was from falling over, bubbles made everything okay. Add some sparkles,   woodland characters who could talk and a magical fairy in a tree and I am sure most 7 year olds would feel surrounded in bliss. A world filled with teaching good lessons and the mantra that gratitude is an attitude. I wanted to write and film a children's television show and call it Fairy Jane. Along with her wise owl, furry caterpillar, brown bear and green frog, she teaches them the importance of kindness, gratitude, honesty and other important life values. 

It may sound to some like an absurd and crazy idea, but my real desire to just give it a try and do it, is more important to me than the end result; that is, whether it is successful or not. 

One of the main reasons we often fail to do the things we absolutely love is because we’re concerned of what other people will think. Making the decision to change your pathway is frightening enough on its own, and once you add the pressure of wondering how other people will react and how your life may change and you may fail, you begin trying to win a race you've already lost.

It's not just the fear of failure which is hard, but the change which comes with it. Some people you least expect surprise you with their support and encouragement; others may shock you with their disapproval and concern that you are making the wrong decision. Sometimes, the thing that’s best for you isn’t necessarily the best for others, but at some point you have to decide to put your own needs first. You have to make yourself a priority. You need to do so however, with grace.

Of course my ideas and ambition have received some ridicule and over the past month there have been times where I have wanted to give up. I questioned whether I was making a huge mistake - how do I even make a fairy set, is my script worth reading, do I have a back up plan? All these questions seemed to create unnecessary mental warfare in my mind. I have started writing down answers to such questions whenever these fears pop into my head. At the end of day, what is the very worst that can happen? 

I can give my fresh ideas a try and if its concept doesn't make it - I still have a skill set I can fall back on! One fear which constantly goes on in my head is putting everything on the line, not having enough money to pay the rent and being evicted. This could be classed as irrational but even if this was to happen, I have a great bunch of friends whose couches have my name on it! What I have started to learn slowly, is that what at first seems like a problem, pretty much always has a solution attached to it. We sometimes are just so quick to stare at the problem and feel helpless, rather than be rational about it and see the solution. 

The purpose of this post, is not necessarily asking you to all go out and quit your day job and seek out your dreams, but to be reassured that there is no harm in allowing yourself to be real and let your gut guide you. 

We are all taught from a young age, that risks are frightening, it is 'better to be on the safe side' and to stop having our head in the clouds. I am realistic about Fairy Jane. I need to still work in my current profession for the time being, but I am hopeful that with continued passion, drive and dedication - Fairy Jane and her world of joy, magic and fun will not be confined to just the walls of this blog.

I believe since I have finally acknowledged what it is I truly want to do, my pathway is becoming much more clearer. When you acknowledge your inner voice and use it as your trusty compass, most answers you are seeking out will be found on this journey.

My blog started as ideas to make your room your haven, craft tips and gift ideas. It then morphed into something away from this subject and into life lessons I have experienced since being in London. I never set out with the intention of having the subject matter change, but that is the beauty of our own journey. It changes, it surprises us and it helps shape who we are. I have gone from writing about building a book shelf, through to admitting my desire to ideally farewell my corporate suit in exchange for a fairy costume... Some have asked me how I came to this decision and found out what I wanted. It has been easy;  I trusted my inner voice and made my own set of fairy wings... 

Inspiring a generation both on and off the track

London 2012. Two words loaded with so much meaning and inspiration. As most newspapers and other articles will tell you – it’s been an amazing past couple of months. We have all been inspired, touched and motivated in some way.

I went to bed particularly late last night and woke this morning – my mind plagued with the same thought – What did 2012 do to me?  

I have been sitting on this blog, perhaps awaiting some pivotal moment whereupon I could perhaps ride on the coat tails of these great games and blog about the sense of unity and achievement I felt during this time; but I have felt there are greater lessons we can take away.

Focus on the present

When you are actually doing the best that you can out on the track, on the diving board or in the office, don’t get fixated on what you must or need to do later, focus on the task at hand – give it your best and stop worrying about the outcome. Just focus on what’s in front of you, not on what you missed in the past or how you may fail in the future.

Things will become easier if you adopt this kind of focus. You’ll create less anxiety and unnecessary pressure on yourself to succeed and you will perform better because you are just focusing on what’s right in front of you.

“I’m trying to do the best I can. I’m not concerned with tomorrow, but with what goes on today.”-

Mark Spitz, Swimmer

Things don’t need to be complicated, things are only as complicated and messy as YOU make them

I am the first to admit I have majored in minor things, read into situations, peoples comments, but at the end of the day this has got me nowhere; all it has done is create unnecessary anxiety and stress.

The human condition (as I call it), teaches us to fight for the underdog, the person that goes through immense struggle to find success – a type of success that one simply dreams about.

Achievement and success takes precious time. Approaching and dealing with things like you are in some sort of mine field and stressed with the intense struggle, may make for a great story in the newspaper, but in actual fact, it isn’t the most pleasant way to deal with things. Making things a lot harder than they are will just create mental warfare and feed that negative chatterbox.

The way you view things and your attitude, does, to a large degree, determine your experience, and how or if you take action. This isn’t to say that things can’t be difficult, but making things harder than they need to be is not beneficial. This links into self-worth and being kind to yourself. Let that kind of thinking go and replace it with a lighter, less serious attitude – a good attitude.

“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” - Scott Hamilton, Figure Skating

Look at the bigger picture to achieve success – love what you do

I look at these athletes who are so talented, and I have pondered – how do you become so brilliant at something?

Nowadays we are taught to work smarter and not harder. However, to me, people are placed into two categories: Those who put in years and years of hard work to achieve; and those, who just don’t bother. What is the human psyche behind this? What drives these people to keep pushing, keep working harder and harder?

To some degree, it could be because they are surrounded by encouragement and recognise that they need to be challenged outside of their comfort zone – but I think it’s more so because they love what they do.

So focus on doing what you love – if you love what you do, you will never have to ‘work’ another day in your life.

“The first thing is to love your sport. Never do it to please someone else. It has to be yours.” -

- Peggy Fleming, Figure skating

Leave the negativity at home - it’s contagious if you let it dominant your playground

Countless times, I have allowed other people’s negative opinions to subconsciously become my own. What I have continuously failed to realise, time and time again is, that is all they are - ‘other peoples opinions’; they aren’t actually fact.

When faced with a problem, listen to that inner voice we have discussed previously, sit very still and ask yourself a few questions: Are these people involved in this?  Do they actually know anything about it? Are they just sharing their insecurities or their own pessimism? Do they not want me to grow, because they are actually the ones that fear change?

A lot of the time, I have people airing their own problems and belief systems – rather than giving me accurate facts and solid advice. This is not to say don’t listen to people. Far from that, (remember the 80:20 rule). Listen 80 percent, speak the remaining 20. If what someone says makes logical rational sense, sure, take that on board, but hold fast to your own inner voice and opinion.

Make your own decisions rather than listening to what other people ‘think’ you should do.

“When anyone tells me I can’t do anything, I’m just not listening any more.” 

- Florence Griffith Joyner, Sprinter

Keep humble – keep your own ego in check

Once you let success go to your head, the world of total arrogance will absorb you. It can also make you more emotionally reactive (rather than responsive) as you inflate your ego and strongly identify with your achievements.

Of course success FEELS and IS amazing. When you grasp it – it’s the best feeling, but soon you may begin to doubt that you are still as good as your last achievement and as wonderful as everyone said you were. It is from this you become more reactive to criticism. This affects the steadiness of your focus, thoughts and emotions. Internally, self-doubt and sabotage will come to life.

All of this cannot only affect your relationships with other people but also your performance. This isn’t saying you cannot have a high level of self-promotion, worth and confidence in your abilities, it just mean you should keep your ego in check, and not get completely caught up in past achievements and allowing your ego to become too inflated.

“I’m the same kind of guy before all this happened.”

- Michael Phelps, Swimmer

Compare yourself to no-one

All you can see is what people choose to show you. The people you think you envy have problems too. The only comparison you can make is to how you’ve progressed on your own personal journey. Stay in your lane, stay focused on your own race and don’t worry if there are people ahead of you. Remember it’s not about winning in the long run, it’s about taking part.

“I Didn’t Set Out to Beat the World; I Just Set Out to Do My Absolute Best.”

- Al Oerter, four-time gold medal winner, Discus

It’s about taking risks

To get what you really want you will pretty much always have to take risks. Of course, sometimes we choose not to – because of fear.

It’s about finding that inner courage and strength and taking the plunge; taking the risk. In order to stop allowing fear to control you, you need to ask yourself – what actually is the WORST that could happen? It’s so easy to build up a negative mindset and not do something in order to feel safe. 80 percent of what we fear doesn’t actually eventuate.

How many times in your life did ALL of your fears in your head come true? The more you realise how very few had, the more I think you will be able to feel more confident with taking risks.

“He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.”

- Muhammad Ali, Boxer

London 2012. See the wider lessons. Both these Olympians and Paralympians can teach us much much more than just being good at competitive sport.

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much

I started writing a blog post congratulating myself on my one year anniversary in London. I wrote in huge detail all the main life lessons I had encountered; what I had learned most about myself and above all – I wrote about all the amazing individuals I have met along the way.

It has gone so quickly, and I have been blessed in so many respects, it’s hard not to pinch myself. I sometimes feel that I have been living in a dream-like trance with the good fortune I have experienced and the various people who have enriched my life greatly.

Before a final read through of this draft, I had, (as I call it) ‘after school’ sport which always happens on a Wednesday eve after work at Sport England.

I am part of a mixed team called the Hungry Hippos, and we tend to play different sports each season. I joined this past season to partake in Ultimate Frisbee. This ideally filled my longing to be back in a team sport environment and the challenge of playing a new (and different) sport.

I have not played mixed sport for years, (I blame going to a single sex school accompanied with lack of confidence that boys wouldn’t pass to me), but was reassured over and over again that the Hippos weren’t like that and it was more about being part of a team both on and off the field.

The Hippos are a great team. Within the first few weeks of playing with this fantastic bunch, not only had my forehand throw and catching vastly improved, I found myself getting to know so much about these people and felt an instant bond with my fellow team mates.

I worked with most of them, but I was astounded about how much more I was learning about them as individuals and how much I was enjoying being part of something again. Even the train ride to Wednesday night games was filled with many stories, much laughter and a good game plan. The amount of support and teaching which has been given to me has been out of this world.

Being ranked fourth, and having to play the top team in our semi-finals, we thought we were goners. Particularly, after the first half where we were being beaten by a good four points! However, together with our hype crew on the side, belief in our ability to turn this around and the cohesive feel within our team – we ended up winning and getting through to the final winning 13-12. Although we didn’t win the final, we still managed to make it – and that in itself made us so delighted that our post-match drink tasted even better than usual.

We ended up at our local watering hole that evening expecting a few drinks, a few high-fives and a few laughs. Although we managed to ‘cheers’ to a wonderful season and to a new season ahead, we also had to farewell our fellow co-worker, Hippo-member and friend – Dan.

Daniel passed away suddenly that evening at the pub. Such an energetic, sports-loving and fit guy - who was just 40. He only felt a slight pain in his chest, and then excused himself to go to the bathroom. The next time we saw him he was being taken in an ambulance to the hospital. There was nothing the doctors could do, nor anything any of the Hippos could have done to have prevented it.

Over the past few weeks, there has been a lot of reflection, tears, laughter and sadness. It has not only affected the people who were there that eve, but the entire workplace, his friends, and his beloved family.

I have been fortunate enough to meet with Daniel’s family over the past two weeks who have come over from Australia. The amount of love, gratitude and grace they have displayed in this time of grief and loss has been simply amazing. You could tell in an instant that Dan’s family were his ‘own team’ and the closeness and bond between them is indescribable.  

Understandably, there have been many tears; but this has also been echoed with laughter and amazing story telling. What I have further learned about Dan – was what I already knew: he was an immensely talented, driven and kind hearted individual.

My experiences with Dan (both in the workplace and on the field) have been that he went the extra mile in whatever he did. He understood the real meaning of being in a team and what partaking in one truly meant.

I have always looked up to my parents and have been inspired with how they constantly keep their marriage rock solid – they are each other’s best friend. I view them as role models for the kind of marriage I hope to have one day.  My Mum has always always instilled the same model of thinking in me – the importance of ‘being in the same team’ and being on the same page – that is how you create this kind of success. The interesting part of these teachings is that I haven’t really understood both the incredible benefits and importance of being in a team until I got involved with my fellow Hippos.

Dan constantly feed me encouragement and good constructive criticism during both our practices and matches. He never gave up on me and always ALWAYS encouraged me to be the best version of myself on the field. I can see now, this is something I will take with me across all areas of my life. He was so committed not just to his fellow Hippos, but to his job, his relationships and his family.

Whilst there is a gap now in a lot of people’s lives, I know that with each new sport I play, each new role I undertake at work, and in my relationships, I have now adopted what I call ‘team Dan mentality’. Being in a team has the potential to foster a fulfilling and meaningful way of working together – in reality, you are all working towards some sort of common goal.

Strangely enough, I read a quote yesterday from Vince Lombardi, which is quite fitting for this piece:

"Individual commitment to a group effort? that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilisation work."

Thank you Dan for letting me in your team and teaching me the true meaning of being part of one x.

The Hippos - after reaching the finals; July 2012.

Moving in the wrong direction? Let your inner compass guide you

We are constantly taught to be logical and use our heads. The problem here is when we only use our head our experience of both ourselves and others is restricted. We fail to let our heart and soul have ‘air time’; we become almost robotic with our actions and we cut ourselves off from so many opportunities and experiences.

With everything, when you are doing the job you are meant to be doing, being with the person you are meant to be with and exposing yourself to the opportunities you are meant to be experiencing, it’s supposed to feel ‘just right’ isn’t it?

I was speaking to a close friend of mine this week who posed the question to me ‘Jane, how do I know if it is right?’ The answer is simple. It feels right. Our core - our heart and soul are our true navigators; they are our compasses which are there to guide us in the right direction.

Every right choice I have ever made has come from following my gut instinct (my internal compass). I would not be in London, meeting and experiencing so many people from different walks of life at all – if, close to a year ago – I listened to my head.

My head told me (I call this my internal chatterbox, filled with self-doubt who actually does not have my BEST interests at heart), I was a fool. A fool for leaving a well-paid legal job in a large firm, a great city filled with friends and my comfort zone, all to venture to the unknown – London. My chatterbox kept me up at night. ‘You won’t make it. You won’t get a job. You will be lonely. You are crazy moving over to the other side of the world. You have a student loan, you will be able to pay that back within a few more years at your current job, but you will only accumulate interest on top of it moving over there – stupid stilly girl.’ This chatterbox created such fear and became my internal gremlin.

Because I got myself into such a state, I figured I should see a life coach to help with my poor decision making. Lardy, (fantastical woman) told me to shut down that chatterbox. She also told me that FEAR actually stands for ‘False Evidence Appearing Real’. This is so true. Lardy taught me to channel my inner GPS system and to really listen to my gut.

Within a week after that appointment, the domino effect started: my one way ticket was booked. Two weeks later I gave notice at my firm. Finally, ten weeks later I was at the airport, comforting my teary parents and trying oh so hard to be brave, even though it felt like those ‘what the hell am I doing’ moments. I let my gut guide me and here I am.

Moving to London has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. Every wrong decision I have made is because I failed to listen to my inner compass.

Is it hard to channel your compass? How do you know when it is speaking to you? This too is simple. You will find that in the still of the night, when you are away from others, in your own space, sitting in silence – it will appear. It is through listening to this voice which will make you a successful person.

I have found that the more I listen to and trust my gut – my life has become much more meaningful. Having that fancy job, those beautiful clothes, going on lavish holidays does not inevitably make you a successful person. For me, being successful means living a life filled with meaning which brings to our life true richness.

One of the most important people in my life has taught me this. Their Grandfather taught them that even though he personally did not have a lot of money, he was still a very rich man. He lived his life being surrounded by people he loved, cherished and trusted, and that is what made him wealthy. His life had immense meaning x.

Trusting your compass isn’t just about enriching your personal relationships and making good decisions, it will also bode you well on the work front too. These days we don’t just get jobs based on strong academic credentials. I have found that although IQ is important, EQ (aka emotional intelligence) is just AS, (if not more so) important.

My beautiful Mum has always been a massive fan of this theory. Inner traits such as self-awareness, being people savvy, having kindness, wit, empathy and understanding are ALL inner qualities which serve great importance.

The majority of job interviews and amazing opportunities I have had have not come solely from my marks or degrees. It has been through sparking up a random conversation on a plane with a complete stranger through to helping a lady pick up her papers she dropped on the street… That is a new blog entry in itself.

I’m no Einstein, and a lot of you may know the wee story about when I was 3 and a half - I still didn’t talk. Although I was silent, I did seem to understand others and could follow instructions. As Mum tells the story, deep down (meaning her gut) she knew that I would be okay and that I was probably a late bloomer, but not something she should be deeply concerned about. However, all of her friends and family kept feeding her fears (the chatterbox) so poor Mum got so worried she paid a great deal of money to take me to a top specialist.

I was placed in a room with a jar of marbles. I was told that I needed to empty the jar as fast as I could. 95% of children would turn the jar upside down and empty it. I apparently spent the next 20 minutes picking each individual marble out of the jar until it was empty. The specialist (bless him) turned to my Mum and said ‘although you may not think this, and yes it seems odd, there is nothing wrong with her.’ Two days later I began speaking in sentences. Poor Mum, she listened to what everyone else was saying, even though deep down she knew I was okay.

As I have told you in previous posts, I am far from perfect and still muck up. I still (at times) listen to my head and disregard my inner compass. In fact, I listened to my head far too much this week. Consequently, I could have made a very bad decision had I continued to listen to my head over my internal navigation system.

The very moment where I realised I was disregarding my compass - I took a big step back and revaluated.

I didn’t beat myself up about the incident too much, as I needed it to happen. Why? Because it was acting as a refresher course for me… Lately, I have been listening to my head far too much and I needed a stern reminder that I need to trust my gut.

The lesson here is simple: Listening to your internal compass will save you. If it feels right - go for it. If it doesn’t – walk away.

Have a beautiful weekend,

Lots of love x x x

Labels should be reserved for preserves, clothes and post-it notes

A few weeks ago I was underground waiting for my tube. During these occasions, I have time to kill. Normally, I will be busy people watching, searching for mice on the tracks or staring into space. I would be an Advertising Agency’s worst nightmare, in that I don’t really notice a lot of the ads posted on the walls.

However, on this day, one particular poster captivated me and I gave it my complete attention. It was an ad for the Tate Modern hyping up old Damien Hirst’s exhibition in April. The backdrop is what caught me rather than the artist or location – a bathroom cabinet with shelves displaying 100’s of pills.

I thought about it all day, and on the way home, the old iPod died, so I started chiming into a girls conversation who was standing next to me. The conversation went as follows:

Girl 1:“Really? No way!! Did she really do that?”

Girl 2: “She’s completed F***ked, and even Sarah said she was on meds for goodness sake” [Pause]

Girl 1: “Are you serious? Like as in anti-depressants?”

Girl 2: “Yep”

Girl 1: “She has to be mental if she’s on those”.

I started thinking about that art poster more and more, together with the girls’ conversation. I started to think about how quick we are to judge people solely based on a whole raft of things. This poor girl, (who obviously was going through something) was deemed mental just because she was taking anti-ds. This irked me beyond belief as I have had my own bout with the black dog. My turn with it was sparked through an event four years back I had absolutely no control over. Because I needed a way to merely cope and get out of bed in the morning, this coupled with counselling helped me on the road to being Jane again.

I have never really thought I was ‘mental’ because I took these, nor did I think that I had severe issues, but I am sure that some of you reading this may be in fact shocked to learn this about me. I say this, because I keep this fact about myself well-hidden and unless pressed or unless you are in my inner circle, it is something never spoken about. Through telling people, this may lead them to place me in a ‘she must be crazy’ box; it’s the horrif little creature called prejudgement. As much as it saddens me, I can’t be one to talk as I am in fact guilty of exactly this – pre-judging people and sticking labels on them.

How many times have we placed labels on people solely due to where they work, who they know, what we have heard, or their circumstances? I think we have all done this at times. I’m ashamed to admit this, but before going to NYC for Easter, I merely assumed that the city would be filled with rudeness and I would enjoy the sites, but perhaps not so much the locals. How wrong was I? Even walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, NYC natives would stop ‘Hey, girls, I can take a picture of you both if you’d like’? They were interested in talking with us asking about NZ and so incredibly helpful with both tips and directions. I really had to eat my words and felt so incredibly foolish that I had in fact ‘labelled’ Americans solely based from what I had heard and seen on television, without coming to a conclusion by myself through experiencing and making a judgement on my own.

For the majority of my adulthood, I have been dead certain that I would only ever date kiwi boys. Why? Because, I gathered we are from the same place, therefore (in my head) they would ‘get’ me, my humour, understand the same values and it would just work (again, MASSIVE generalisation). Right now, this couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s almost like going on a world-wide trip. You have certain countries you always imagine (before travelling there) that you think you would love to move to, but in fact, you may be surprised at some countries which you never thought you would even enjoy that you end up settling in. Same goes with my love statement – cultures you may least expect may be the ones that resonate so wonderfully with your heart x.

The profession chat further kills me. I use to resent so badly (including filling in the customs forms at the airport) having to write down my occupation. When one automatically says ‘lawyer’ all of a sudden you get the same generalisations and comments: ‘She must be rich, full of herself and have a big head’. They are the main three I have encountered. I remember telling my Mum about this. She always propped me up and said ‘Janey, next time someone asks you, you tell them, ‘I help people, that’s what I do.’ Essentially you can read this several ways, but it is in fact what I do. I currently work in the public sector (note, wage freeze is on), and I work in an organisation who encourage people to get active in their communities through sport (there’s the helping element).

We cannot ever truly judge a person until we take a leaf out of Atticus’ book and walk a mile in their shoes. Prejudgement for me has become one of society’s evils. It is great to have standards and want to hang out with those of like minds, but pigeon holing irrelevant detail is where the danger lies.

Ten years ago, at first sight, I would never in a million years thought I would end up with the best friend I have today. I am endeavouring not to judge solely on first impressions. We are so incredibly different at face value, but the more we got to know each other the more we realised we shared very similar morals and mantras. It just worked. Life right now would be vastly different for both of us – had we taken each other at face value and judged each other based on that first meeting.

Please read this and use it as a reminder not to label people straight away; it goes back to a John Kirwan ad back home ‘know me before you judge me’..

Labels should be reserved for preserves, clothes and post-it notes – not people. x

Tis better to be boxed up, than boxed in...

Happiness should not be reserved for those who are lucky, but rather it should be an inherent right; a personal choice; an emotion and feeling we should be able to obtain quickly and not feel like we have to wish for it.

I am far from perfect, and continuously find myself making mistakes. However, the learning curve appears whereby I don’t repeat the same mistake more than once. Even with my broken Crown Lynn edges - I am actually happy.

Of course there are times whereby I think if my hair was naturally blonde, I lost 8 kgs, I had more funds, I owned every Karen Walker dress under the sun, I would be oodles happier, but this is just peripheral, unimportant image-based ‘happiness’ that will never be truly meaningful and long-lasting. It’s fleeting.

At 28, I have analysed how then, did I master actually being happy? For someone who has always thought she was different from the normal person, I have felt somewhat astounded that I seem to have fallen upon such a feeling. I use to think I took to heart a lot more than others; I use to think I had lucked out on never being the conventionally pretty girl at high school with the uber-cool gang in tow and the gorgeous older guy picking her up after school.

I look at my life now, and all those things I have ever wanted I seem to have. I feel this deep sense of peace at night; and intense gratitude in the morning. Sometimes we get so caught up staring at that closed door, we never see the open window to our right. We train our minds to see and feel certain things, sometimes losing sight that we are powerful beyond belief – and that this power is in fact right within us. We just sometimes need a little perspective and a helping hand to unleash this.

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates; rather it is made up of a series of boxes. Through nurturing, adding value to and looking after each box evenly, we all can have this euphoric feeling of happiness.

Let me be more clear; my life is structured on 9 boxes:

If one box is given more time than the others, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it cannot be maintained in order to have a balanced good life. For example, (I made this mistake around 8 years ago), I fell in love and my relationship box became my whole world. I neglected friends, didn’t listen to my family’s concerns, nor did I give back, whereupon, beforehand I had been so proactive and passionate with people in my life.

I didn’t have my own individual love and space because I was basically living and pandering to this one other individual. When this box fell apart and was taken out of my life, I became so broken. Had I kept the other boxes filled, spent time with them, nurtured them – that dark period would have been completely different. To date, I have not repeated that behaviour again; experience really is the name you can give to your mistakes.

Over the years I have become much more open and self-aware. I have realised that the boxes don’t necessarily need me – but more so, I need them. My job in my ‘old life’ took priority ahead of everything. I did spend and put a lot of effort into my friends and family (although this was always rushed and I was constantly late). It was really only these three boxes I invested in. I would not let myself commit to people as I felt I would lose myself; sport took a back seat and going to bed before 10 on a school night from work was a rarity.

Since coming over to London, I like to think of myself as a watering can, constantly watering my boxes and although it is hectic a lot of the time, this pursuit of happiness is no longer just that - a pursuit, it is how I feel each day; blissfully happy.

I have a hype girl who will actually drop everything to be there for me in a second, and seriously I couldn’t ask for a better best friend. People sometimes think we are ridic with the amount of time and love we give to  each other – but that doesn’t worry me, as like I have said before, being a good friend is a full time job, and finding these gems is such a rarity. Happy birthday by the way x.

Because I have started to see who I am more – the easier I have become at maintaining these boxes.

This blog has diverted away from anything truly creative this week, but I feel that even if a handful of you can understand and realise the importance of having balance, and maintaining these boxes, then happiness more than likely will become part of your life.

Lauryn Hill once said, ‘how you going win, if you ain’t right within.’ She’s right you know. Happiness is not in things – but rather, it is in us.. We just need a wee bit of guidance on how to get there…

I’m off to New York (with my Hype Girl of course), so hopefully I will have some stories/messages/gratitude for you next week.

Have a beautiful Easter x