As I sit here and start to write this, the sun has still not risen, but it is not too cold, the weather lately has been so cloudless and blue, and I have that beautiful, familiar feeling of hope again. The same hope I felt this time a year ago - whereupon summer in all of its glory was just around the corner; waiting to be played with. It was also a year ago Dad found out he was unwell and only 6 months ago when the word hope was given a whole new meaning in our house.
The last 12 months have been challenging and somewhat painful, but we have all made it through and some wonderful things have happened. The last month, in particular, has been somewhat beautiful. So many exciting and celebratory things have happened to my closest friends (this makes me smile so very, very much). On top of that, my Dad had his big scan last month; it came out again, clear of cancer. Given that his life expectancy should not have gone beyond late October last year, the guy is considered a walking miracle. I cannot sit here and pretend that moving home, preparing for the inevitable, planning a wedding in just 48 hours and then watching a brave man beat all odds has not changed me. It has and I like to think for the better.
I've been back in London now (and back at my old job) since late January. I thought this would be a walk in the park, but it hasn't been; it's been challenging sinking back into my old life and also accepting that I've come back different. I've been toying with the idea of what to write about next, but little inspiration has enabled me to write anything I am really proud of, until recently. I have started to see that the last 12 months were filled not only with many challenges, but many (and perhaps more importantly), life lessons. I decided this past week that that's it. That's what I should write about. This blog has never been about anything other than a wee place where you too, can find even a small pocket of happiness and a happy ending. I decided to pretend that this last post was actually me writing a letter to Dad back home (so please excuse the narrative), letting him read what I've taken from the past 12 months, So with that, I begin:
1) It is hard to grasp, but remember there is always someone worse off than yourself
As you lay there weak in bed, I asked you if you were scared about leaving us. You gave me such a warm smile and told me that you weren't scared. You understood it was your time and how you could not have asked for better kids. You lay there so calmly and said you were just so sad for us and how we all must be feeling and coping.
Before you went to sleep that afternoon, you gently reminded me how fortunate we were to have had so many wonderful moments and times together and we should count ourselves as lucky. I saw you in those painful moments, demonstrate such courage and amazing perspective. It was somewhat fearless. But you have always been like that, haven't you? You have a real gift at always seeing the good, accepting the bad and realising, there is always someone else who has it worse. Dad, it's a truly wonderful mindset to have and something that I hope one day I can master.
2) No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted or forgotten
There were many times when I was back living with you guys when you were ill where I was hitting brick walls constantly. I would try and be the cleaner/gardener/entertainer of the house, but being unemployed and feeling helpless, my self-esteem was taking quite the blow. I needed to get out of the house and earn anything, even if it was just a few bucks, so I would feel like I was contributing.
Do you remember the elation I felt when my old school mate Katie told me she would pay me if I cleaned the inside of her car? She told me if I could get it spanking clean, she would give me 50 bucks. I remember rolling up your driveway in her florist car (in quite the state) and feeling so unbelievably happy that someone was actually willing to help me out, take a chance on me and pay me for it! I gave that darn car 110% and although it took me a long time, I felt so proud of the job I had done. After that, Katie even let me sweep her shop and do floral deliveries sometimes. The point is, she never needed to do that for me, but she did see a person quite desperate and out of work and was willing to help me out.
Other friends from home would invite me out for a few drinks, knew my situation and wouldn't let me get a round (knowing I did not have much money). Steph would ask me out to do things and always included me. Kerri just came all the way from Wellington to visit just cos. I was overwhelmed by human kindness and felt so humbled and blessed to have known these people for a good 20 years.
3) The brown paper envelope theory
I remember so clearly being told in that hospital room by that Polish doctor your news and life expectancy. I thought I was going crazy - because I had no control (I thought at the time) of making you well. I felt like this would be the end for me because I couldn't bear the pain I was feeling. She held a brown paper envelope with the test results and the scan she had studied. Up until recently, I have refused to use brown paper envelopes. I remember my heart breaking and felt like I was about to enter crazy land territory.
I remembered all the times when I thought the situation I was in was the 'worst in the world' - this of course, was the real deal and an actual life problem. I felt ashamed about the times I had previously made a big deal about something - which really, held no meaning.
I needed a wake up like that to appreciate how small and ridiculous previous 'issues' had been. As you know, I had to go somewhere this week and do something I didn't really want to do at all - but I was sent to do a job so I had to buck up my ideas and follow through. I felt physically sick, poor Gray endured my tears, Kristina kindly listened to my dilemma over brunch offering good advice, but I was still scared. However, I sat down on my own and had a talk to myself I said, 'Jane, this ain't the worst thing that could happen to you is it?' The answer of course was no and I remembered the brown paper envelope. All of a sudden I was okay. I made it through those 28 hours and no-one was physically hurt or harmed, Gray wasn't eaten by wolves, I still have my legs and YOU are still here.
Your situation really hit home this theory - when you are in a situation which may seem (and may even legitimately be) quite bad, just remember, you too, are capable and will get through anything - and there will always be something worse you could be faced with.
4) You are what you eat
Your change in diet and 'new regime' implemented by Mum didn't just give you a chance - it saved your life. She has been inspirational with making you eat three times daily, exact portions of all those apricot kernels, coconut paste, nigella seeds, flax oil, table spoons of turmeric, beetroot and kaffir drinks (the ones you detest and say taste like dirt) and all those organic super green foods you have in your meals. No more refined sugar, red meat or crap at all. Look at the result - you look the best you have looked in years and even your hair has grown back both brown and curly!
When you think about it, it's an easy concept - change your diet and it could change your life and it did - as it gave you yours back.
It upsets me (but I do get it), that a lot of health forums scare monger people about what natural alternatives compared with western medicines can do. Yes, apricot kernels have a small dosage has cyanide in them, but the cancer loves them at first as the molecules release glucose (as we know, cancer feeds off sugar), and then boom! cyanide kicks in and combats the cancer cell. Many alternative treatments have been around for years, but in places like the States, the FDA ban these kernels and they have been coined 'forbidden fruit'. I know everyone reacts differently to treatments and you don't want to be the poster boy for alternative health, but it does sadden me that more people are not aware that these other options are around.
5) Spend your time on the right things.
I have learnt the hard way not to take work-related issues personally, as well as people's moods and have even felt responsible for the feelings of others to whom I am not even close to! Sounds quite ridiculous right?
Until I became a lawyer myself, I never understood that you would bill out every 6 minutes in order to time record effectively and time really, was money. I remember ringing you from school one lunchtime. I was having a rough time and just needed someone to talk to. You spoke to me for close to an hour. You never said you needed to go (I later found out you were seriously busy during that time) and never once did you place work above me. Ever. You had the perfect work/life balance that so many of us struggle at getting right.
I still feel sad for myself that I spend around 33% of my day worrying about people and things which in reality, aren't that important to me. I remember saying I could not meet you in Venice last year when you were planning to be there for a few days, (you were still determined to make that trip as it was going to be after the chemo) because 'I was flat out at work'. Months later, you were not well enough to even think about making that trip.
I really regretted my words when I heard about what was in that brown paper envelope. At that moment, I thought I would give and do anything just to be afforded more time with you. Invest in and place importance on, people and things which are really aligned with your heart.
You never sat in your hospital bed saying 'I wish I spent more time at the office' did you? I need to sometimes keep my priorities in check and re-access whether I am spending the right time on the right things.
6) Your brother loves you - believe me
You have always, always highlighted to me, no matter what, that Mike really does love me. At times we have had some disagreements but you have always said, 'He loves you so very much Janey, recognise this'.
You would always reiterate that I only have one brother and that I must ensure I give him the love and time he truly deserves. I have always been able to get along with Mike, but when you were really, really ill, I experienced a new kind of love and adoration for him. He's just like you in a way isn't he? Caring and loving and just wanting everyone to get along. I take such comfort in how much closer we have become, and how much he is like you now he is a Dad.
I am the lucky one. I have a wonderful sister in law who was like my rock during those months at home, a wee niece who brings me happy tears every time I think about her, and a brother, who looks out for me and just wants the very best for me. I cherish that afternoon on Christmas eve when us kids went out the back to play petanque, Olpherts vs Pieterses! You casually came out and spent the afternoon between the two teams, hanging out with us all and having a ball!
I think all of us really appreciated that afternoon, more than you will ever know, because we just loved the fact you were with us, standing by yourself and strong enough to play!
There was no bickering, no real competition, just a blissful moment in time when your kids just loved having you around (even with your constant Dad jokes). I love my brother, Ela and Millie so very much, but I know we all cemented a strong bond during the time you were unwell. I think we realised the importance of family and what that actually means.
7) Pay people
You have taught me to never have outstanding debts of any kind, especially when it comes to owing people money. It's simple, always pay your debts. But this lesson goes beyond money. If you are grateful for someone - tell them. If someone has done a good job - let them know. People aren't mind readers, but we all have the same basic need which is positive reinforcement. You have always been so good at giving praise (where it is due), telling people how much you care about them and showing gratitude towards others. Lesson is clear; always remember to pay people.
8) Your story has become my inspiration
The way you look and feel now is mind blowing. Because of you and your story, I gave up meat, limit almost all dairy and try to eat the freshest food in its rawest form. I like to think now I eat right 80 percent of the time. I also found, that I have stopped buying food a great deal, as I would prefer to make my own - based on good, wholesome recipes.
Your story has inspired me to look at food in such a different light that it is difficult for me to step away from this passion to use this knowledge and create new recipes each week. Because of you, I have finally found my passion - making good clean food that tastes great and has proven health benefits. You have given me the courage to fight the fear and to start putting myself out there with my ideas and even helped me start that business plan. People need to know about your story and they also need to be re-educated about food and what they are actually putting into their bodies.
9) What's next?
This is my last blog post under this site now. I need to use the inspiration you have given me as well as the positive energy you provide me daily to spread messages about nutrition and wellness. You know that other people may perhaps read this, but I do mean this next part (and I don't care if it sounds too over the top). Dad, you encourage and inspire me to be the best person I can possibly be. You defied all odds and you fought like a trooper. I have never been able to fault you because you are one of the best humans I know! I am so proud to not only be your daughter but your friend. I know the last three months for you have been challenging too. You have had to truly accept that what has happened to you isn't a dream but real. You are still getting use to that, I know.
You have the greatest person possible by your side who has shown you nothing but complete love and compassion (she's a real winner in my book for how she just took charge of the situation and got you well, never giving up).
Beautiful post Janey.
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