The last time I took to this blog, (in an attempt to write something meaningful) I burst into tears. They were tears of confusion and frustration; and I felt completely uninspired. I remember putting on my green winter coat, hiding my wet cheeks with a woollen scarf, and walking with a tight chest and feelings of irritation. I got home a few hours later and collapsed onto my bedroom floor. It wasn't because I was worried about my growing pile of rejection letters (I felt like I had applied for every creative job under the sun, thinking a change in career would be easy), it was the very real fear that I could no longer go on shunning my career aspirations which is simply doing something which I actually loved. I knew that in order to create such a reality, I must have to make some tough decisions and show commitment to my journey.
Ever since being honest to my boss about what it was I intended doing long-term (which would not include law), being honest to those who matter and being determined to do something about it - I have not only been surprised at the amount of support I have received, I have felt so much lighter within. The scene of desperate frustration in my bedroom that strained evening seems now, like a distant memory. At the time it felt like I was going through a breakdown; I know now that this was actually the beginnings of a personal breakthrough.
I have always shown an interest in not just writing, but acting. I was also fortunate enough to have experienced a somewhat magical childhood, where everything from fairies, thinking the reason 'whispering willows' were called that was because they were actually talking and it didn't matter how sore I was from falling over, bubbles made everything okay. Add some sparkles, woodland characters who could talk and a magical fairy in a tree and I am sure most 7 year olds would feel surrounded in bliss. A world filled with teaching good lessons and the mantra that gratitude is an attitude. I wanted to write and film a children's television show and call it Fairy Jane. Along with her wise owl, furry caterpillar, brown bear and green frog, she teaches them the importance of kindness, gratitude, honesty and other important life values.
It may sound to some like an absurd and crazy idea, but my real desire to just give it a try and do it, is more important to me than the end result; that is, whether it is successful or not.
One of the main reasons we often fail to do the things we absolutely love is because we’re concerned of what other people will think. Making the decision to change your pathway is frightening enough on its own, and once you add the pressure of wondering how other people will react and how your life may change and you may fail, you begin trying to win a race you've already lost.
It's not just the fear of failure which is hard, but the change which comes with it. Some people you least expect surprise you with their support and encouragement; others may shock you with their disapproval and concern that you are making the wrong decision. Sometimes, the thing that’s best for you isn’t necessarily the best for others, but at some point you have to decide to put your own needs first. You have to make yourself a priority. You need to do so however, with grace.
Of course my ideas and ambition have received some ridicule and over the past month there have been times where I have wanted to give up. I questioned whether I was making a huge mistake - how do I even make a fairy set, is my script worth reading, do I have a back up plan? All these questions seemed to create unnecessary mental warfare in my mind. I have started writing down answers to such questions whenever these fears pop into my head. At the end of day, what is the very worst that can happen?
I can give my fresh ideas a try and if its concept doesn't make it - I still have a skill set I can fall back on! One fear which constantly goes on in my head is putting everything on the line, not having enough money to pay the rent and being evicted. This could be classed as irrational but even if this was to happen, I have a great bunch of friends whose couches have my name on it! What I have started to learn slowly, is that what at first seems like a problem, pretty much always has a solution attached to it. We sometimes are just so quick to stare at the problem and feel helpless, rather than be rational about it and see the solution.
The purpose of this post, is not necessarily asking you to all go out and quit your day job and seek out your dreams, but to be reassured that there is no harm in allowing yourself to be real and let your gut guide you.
We are all taught from a young age, that risks are frightening, it is 'better to be on the safe side' and to stop having our head in the clouds. I am realistic about Fairy Jane. I need to still work in my current profession for the time being, but I am hopeful that with continued passion, drive and dedication - Fairy Jane and her world of joy, magic and fun will not be confined to just the walls of this blog.
I believe since I have finally acknowledged what it is I truly want to do, my pathway is becoming much more clearer. When you acknowledge your inner voice and use it as your trusty compass, most answers you are seeking out will be found on this journey.
My blog started as ideas to make your room your haven, craft tips and gift ideas. It then morphed into something away from this subject and into life lessons I have experienced since being in London. I never set out with the intention of having the subject matter change, but that is the beauty of our own journey. It changes, it surprises us and it helps shape who we are. I have gone from writing about building a book shelf, through to admitting my desire to ideally farewell my corporate suit in exchange for a fairy costume... Some have asked me how I came to this decision and found out what I wanted. It has been easy; I trusted my inner voice and made my own set of fairy wings...
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