After the thunderstorm, comes the rainbows

As I sit here and start to write this, the sun has still not risen, but it is not too cold, the weather lately has been so cloudless and blue, and I have that beautiful, familiar feeling of hope again. The same hope I felt this time a year ago - whereupon summer in all of its glory was just around the corner; waiting to be played with. It was also a year ago Dad found out he was unwell and only 6 months ago when the word hope was given a whole new meaning in our house.

The last 12 months have been challenging and somewhat painful, but we have all made it through and some wonderful things have happened. The last month, in particular, has been somewhat beautiful. So many exciting and celebratory things have happened to my closest friends (this makes me smile so very, very much). On top of that, my Dad had his big scan last month; it came out again, clear of cancer. Given that his life expectancy should not have gone beyond late October last year, the guy is considered a walking miracle. I cannot sit here and pretend that moving home, preparing for the inevitable, planning a wedding in just 48 hours and then watching a brave man beat all odds has not changed me. It has and I like to think for the better. 

I've been back in London now (and back at my old job) since late January. I thought this would be a walk in the park, but it hasn't been; it's been challenging sinking back into my old life and also accepting that I've come back different. I've been toying with the idea of what to write about next, but little inspiration has enabled me to write anything I am really proud of, until recently. I have started to see that the last 12 months were filled not only with many challenges, but many (and perhaps more importantly), life lessons. I decided this past week that that's it. That's what I should write about. This blog has never been about anything other than a wee place where you too, can find even a small pocket of happiness and a happy ending. I decided to pretend that this last post was actually me writing a letter to Dad back home (so please excuse the narrative), letting him read what I've taken from the past 12 months, So with that, I begin:

1) It is hard to grasp, but remember there is always someone worse off than yourself

As you lay there weak in bed, I asked you if you were scared about leaving us. You gave me such a warm smile and told me that you weren't scared. You understood it was your time and how you could not have asked for better kids. You lay there so calmly and said you were just so sad for us and how we all must be feeling and coping. 

Before you went to sleep that afternoon, you gently reminded me how fortunate we were to have had so many wonderful moments and times together and we should count ourselves as lucky. I saw you in those painful moments, demonstrate such courage and amazing perspective. It was somewhat fearless. But you have always been like that, haven't you? You have a real gift at always seeing the good, accepting the bad and realising, there is always someone else who has it worse. Dad, it's a truly wonderful mindset to have and something that I hope one day I can master. 

2) No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted or forgotten

There were many times when I was back living with you guys when you were ill where I was hitting brick walls constantly. I would try and be the cleaner/gardener/entertainer of the house, but being unemployed and feeling helpless, my self-esteem was taking quite the blow. I needed to get out of the house and earn anything, even if it was just a few bucks, so I would feel like I was contributing. 

Do you remember the elation I felt when my old school mate Katie told me she would pay me if I cleaned the inside of her car? She told me if I could get it spanking clean, she would give me 50 bucks. I remember rolling up your driveway in her florist car (in quite the state) and feeling so unbelievably happy that someone was actually willing to help me out, take a chance on me and pay me for it! I gave that darn car 110% and although it took me a long time, I felt so proud of the job I had done. After that, Katie even let me sweep her shop and do floral deliveries sometimes. The point is, she never needed to do that for me, but she did see a person quite desperate and out of work and was willing to help me out. 

Other friends from home would invite me out for a few drinks, knew my situation and wouldn't let me get a round (knowing I did not have much money). Steph would ask me out to do things and always included me. Kerri just came all the way from Wellington to visit just cos. I was overwhelmed by human kindness and felt so humbled and blessed to have known these people for a good 20 years.  

3) The brown paper envelope theory

I remember so clearly being told in that hospital room by that Polish doctor your news and life expectancy. I thought I was going crazy - because I had no control (I thought at the time) of making you well. I felt like this would be the end for me because I couldn't bear the pain I was feeling. She held a brown paper envelope with the test results and the scan she had studied. Up until recently, I have refused to use brown paper envelopes. I remember my heart breaking and felt like I was about to enter crazy land territory. 

I remembered all the times when I thought the situation I was in was the 'worst in the world' - this of course, was the real deal and an actual life problem. I felt ashamed about the times I had previously made a big deal about something - which really, held no meaning. 

I needed a wake up like that to appreciate how small and ridiculous previous 'issues' had been. As you know, I had to go somewhere this week and do something I didn't really want to do at all - but I was sent to do a job so I had to buck up my ideas and follow through. I felt physically sick, poor Gray endured my tears, Kristina kindly listened to my dilemma over brunch offering good advice, but I was still scared. However, I sat down on my own and had a talk to myself I said, 'Jane, this ain't the worst thing that could happen to you is it?' The answer of course was no and I remembered the brown paper envelope. All of a sudden I was okay. I made it through those 28 hours and no-one was physically hurt or harmed, Gray wasn't eaten by wolves, I still have my legs  and YOU are still here.

Your situation really hit home this theory - when you are in a situation which may seem (and may even legitimately be) quite bad, just remember, you too, are capable and will get through anything - and there will always be something worse you could be faced with.

4) You are what you eat 

Your change in diet and 'new regime' implemented by Mum didn't just give you a chance - it saved your life. She has been inspirational with making you eat three times daily, exact portions of all those apricot kernels, coconut paste, nigella seeds, flax oil, table spoons of turmeric, beetroot and kaffir drinks (the ones you detest and say taste like dirt) and all those organic super green foods you have in your meals. No more refined sugar, red meat or crap at all. Look at the result - you look the best you have looked in years and even your hair has grown back both brown and curly! 

When you think about it, it's an easy concept - change your diet and it could change your life and it did - as it gave you yours back. 

It upsets me (but I do get it), that a lot of health forums scare monger people about what natural alternatives compared with western medicines can do. Yes, apricot kernels have a small dosage has cyanide in them, but the cancer loves them at first as the molecules release glucose (as we know, cancer feeds off sugar), and then boom! cyanide kicks in and combats the cancer cell. Many alternative treatments have been around for years, but in places like the States, the FDA ban these kernels and they have been coined 'forbidden fruit'. I know everyone reacts differently to treatments and you don't want to be the poster boy for alternative health, but it does sadden me that more people are not aware that these other options are around. 

5) Spend your time on the right things.

I have learnt the hard way not to take work-related issues personally, as well as people's moods and have even felt responsible for the feelings of others to whom I am not even close to! Sounds quite ridiculous right? 

Until I became a lawyer myself, I never understood that you would bill out every 6 minutes in order to time record effectively and time really, was money. I remember ringing you from school one lunchtime. I was having a rough time and just needed someone to talk to. You spoke to me for close to an hour. You never said you needed to go (I later found out you were seriously busy during that time) and never once did you place work above me. Ever. You had the perfect work/life balance that so many of us struggle at getting right. 

I still feel sad for myself that I spend around 33% of my day worrying about people and things which in reality, aren't that important to me. I remember saying I could not meet you in Venice last year when you were planning to be there for a few days, (you were still determined to make that trip as it was going to be after the chemo) because 'I was flat out at work'. Months later, you were not well enough to even think about making that trip. 

I really regretted my words when I heard about what was in that brown paper envelope. At that moment, I thought I would give and do anything just to be afforded more time with you. Invest in and place importance on, people and things which are really aligned with your heart. 

You never sat in your hospital bed saying 'I wish I spent more time at the office' did you? I need to sometimes keep my priorities in check and re-access whether I am spending the right time on the right things. 

6) Your brother loves you - believe me

You have always, always highlighted to me, no matter what, that Mike really does love me. At times we have had some disagreements but you have always said, 'He loves you so very much Janey, recognise this'. 

You would always reiterate that I only have one brother and that I must ensure I give him the love and time he truly deserves. I have always been able to get along with Mike, but when you were really, really ill, I experienced a new kind of love and adoration for him. He's just like you in a way isn't he? Caring and loving and just wanting everyone to get along. I take such comfort in how much closer we have become, and how much he is like you now he is a Dad.

I am the lucky one. I have a wonderful sister in law who was like my rock during those months at home, a wee niece who brings me happy tears every time I think about her, and a brother, who looks out for me and just wants the very best for me. I cherish that afternoon on Christmas eve when us kids went out the back to play petanque, Olpherts vs Pieterses! You casually came out and spent the afternoon between the two teams, hanging out with us all and having a ball!

I think all of us really appreciated that afternoon, more than you will ever know, because we just loved the fact you were with us, standing by yourself and strong enough to play!

There was no bickering, no real competition, just a blissful moment in time when your kids just loved having you around (even with your constant Dad jokes). I love my brother, Ela and Millie so very much, but I know we all cemented a strong bond during the time you were unwell. I think we realised the importance of family and what that actually means.

7) Pay people

You have taught me to never have outstanding debts of any kind, especially when it comes to owing people money. It's simple, always pay your debts. But this lesson goes beyond money. If you are grateful for someone - tell them. If someone has done a good job - let them know. People aren't mind readers, but we all have the same basic need which is positive reinforcement. You have always been so good at giving praise (where it is due), telling people how much you care about them and showing gratitude towards others. Lesson is clear; always remember to pay people.  

8) Your story has become my inspiration 

The way you look and feel now is mind blowing. Because of you and your story, I gave up meat, limit almost all dairy and try to eat the freshest food in its rawest form. I like to think now I eat right 80 percent of the time. I also found, that I have stopped buying food a great deal, as I would prefer to make my own - based on good, wholesome recipes. 

Your story has inspired me to look at food in such a different light that it is difficult for me to step away from this passion to use this knowledge and create new recipes each week. Because of you, I have finally found my passion - making good clean food that tastes great and has proven health benefits. You have given me the courage to fight the fear and to start putting myself out there with my ideas and even helped me start that business plan. People need to know about your story and they also need to be re-educated about food and what they are actually putting into their bodies.  

9) What's next?

This is my last blog post under this site now. I need to use the inspiration you have given me as well as the positive energy you provide me daily to spread messages about nutrition and wellness. You know that other people may perhaps read this, but I do mean this next part (and I don't care if it sounds too over the top). Dad, you encourage and inspire me to be the best person I can possibly be. You defied all odds and you fought like a trooper. I have never been able to fault you because you are one of the best humans I know! I am so proud to not only be your daughter but your friend. I know the last three months for you have been challenging too. You have had to truly accept that what has happened to you isn't a dream but real. You are still getting use to that, I know. 

You have the greatest person possible by your side who has shown you nothing but complete love and compassion (she's a real winner in my book for how she just took charge of the situation and got you well, never giving up). 

Thank you for not giving up on is. Thank you for being such a fighter; but most importantly, thank you for teaching me the greatest gift of all - no matter what, you must never, ever, ever give up and always live your dreams; your life isn't a dress rehearsal - so give this one your all. Thank you Dad. x 

No matter what - you've got to have hope

When the Universe forces you up against a brick wall, you have one of two choices: give up or find ways to get around that wall. Accept that the position you are in won’t confine you forever - try and move past it. The latter is a lot easier said than done. I recently felt that there was no way around a particular brick wall and I had no idea how I was meant to deal with it.

When hope is taken away from you, you are stripped down and left with very little courage; it’s like you are surrounded only by brick walls and you are left without the option of being able to get around them. You become angry with the state of play, your mind dabbles with feelings of denial and this then leads to bitterness. Our family knows what this feels like – as hope was taken away from us.

I would say that Dad is the modern day, male version of Pollyanna. He sees the good in everything and everyone and I have never seen him in a slump – up until, what we now refer to as ‘D Day.’ That day, was 30 September 2013. It will be a date I don’t think any of us will ever forget. That was the day Dad was told by four oncologists, there’s nothing more we can do – your liver just isn’t working, we presume the cancer has spread there – go home, be with your family, enjoy what you can.

I was back in London for just 48 hours and had to turn around and come back. I was in a state and my packing was atrocious. My suitcase weighed 8 kgs as it only contained a few funeral outfits and several pairs of yoga pants.

I cannot begin to describe to you how being told that sort of life expectancy feels. What I can tell you, is that when the Universe pushes you into a situation like this, places a brick wall in front of you, you will start to take note of people’s extraordinary courage, kindness and love; you become much more aware. You also stop caring about the trivial, and your definition of a good day changes. Our definition of a good day became a hospital free day.

We decided that we would get married so Dad could oversee and conduct the ceremony. We tried to be as upbeat as possible but there was now an awful elephant lingering in the room – one which none of us wanted to discuss.

I’ve never seen my father give up on anything, or be less than positive - up until now. Why? well any hope that was there had been taken away from him. When you are stripped of all hope you cannot even begin to try and make your away around a brick wall.

A week later the phone rang. It was a South African specialist who had a cancellation (Dad had been trying to see him for months) and would Dad like to come and see him. In front of my Mum and brother who said that this was brilliant news, Dad looked up at them and said "what’s the point?"

It was both Mum and my amazing brother, (who I have to say never gave up hope and not because he was in denial, but rather, he believed that there had to be some way to get around this brick wall), told Dad there was a point to going to see this man, and he should go. The appointment gave my Dad a new mind set, a different perspective; but more importantly - it gave Dad hope.

He had looked closely at Dad’s scans and tests and had taken into consideration Dad’s reactions to all treatment to date. He said all was not lost, and to fight this, day by day… as anything is possible. All drugs were stopped, research was done, a new diet started and a miracle was born.

We all need hope. What does it do? Well, it creates a sense of appreciation and gratitude you never thought possible. You start to look at things very, very differently – it gives you another chance, a new perspective.

Hope, like faith is often the hardest thing to hold onto especially when you need it the most. But the only other option in those moments is despair. Whilst despair is humbling and quite natural, hope goes beyond natural; hope is supernatural especially in moments of darkness.

Slowly but surely, the fluid build-up each week on Dad’s stomach became less. At one stage he was waddling around with 14 litres on him, it looked like he wasn’t getting better – those four doctors were right! But, something was happening behind the scenes; something rather remarkable. His liver was healing by itself, very, very slowly.

People were shocked to see his appearance, given how much smaller he had become, but you have to understand our bodies are not built to endure such hard drugs and invasive surgery. You also have to understand from reading this – anything is possible. ANYTHING. When Dad got his hope back, it reinstated his positive persona and he was not going to let a brick wall stand in his way.

The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough; they’re there to stop the other people.

22 November 2013 – another day we will never forget. For it was on this day, the same Doctor who had sent Dad home, said a miracle had happened; Dad’s liver had been healing itself and was starting to function normally. The latest scan shows no tumours to be found on the lung or the liver.

Someone once said “Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.” For me this was one of those moments, for it shows, that anything IS possible. No matter what life throws in your way, even when you are stripped of everything – you’ve got to have hope.

Hope is not pure optimism. The two are closely linked but are still quite different. Optimism is seeing the proverbial glass as half-full. I think hope is being able to see the good or expect goodness even when the glass is half-empty or in situations where there is no glass at all and you are dealt a crappy hand of cards.

24 November 2013 – that is today’s date and my parent’s 34^th wedding anniversary; an anniversary both didn’t expect to share together. It is also a day where the sun is shining so brightly and I have had the best night’s sleep. The best I have had in several months.  

My job here, for the time being is done. It’s time for me and my yoga pants to head back to the other side of the world and leave my folks to enjoy the sunshine together.

In the words of Jon Olphert from my last post “'the sun will come out again Janey, storms pass and nothing lasts forever”… How right he was?!.  I love you Dad x

The sun will come out tomorrow

As much as it is sometimes tough to write such posts (writer's block and all that jazz), I am at home and my Dad really enjoys reading what I have to say, so I figured I would give this another go.

We still laugh that I should be working with kids, selling my baking goods and making it as a weather girl somewhere. Instead, wanting to be just like my Dad I did law. 50k student loan later, and wondering what I am doing half the time I still deeply question it. However, law really has come in handy, because as Dad says, I have learnt the power of (please excuse my use of phrase here) 'bull shit' and I am even able to talk my way out of speeding fines when pulled over...

I arrived home from London last Thursday (New Zealand time) and went straight to the hospital to visit Dad. He didn't know I was coming. He laughed a lot and told me I was very sneaky! I don't think I have never felt such mixed feelings of happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Once we got him home, he has been adamant to do some 'billable' hours and read over files. No matter what life has thrown at him over the past 5 months, he has shown such resilience and been so positive, you would not even know what he has gone through. The poor guy has been comforting me; when it really should be the other way around.

It's times like this, when you don't know what is around the corner (he has baffled doctors), and although we will get more clarity later this week, his brave and wonderful attitude sets an example that we can all learn from, even when we are uncertain of what is approaching.

I have found myself stopping mid-sentence whilst talking to him, as I realise I am complaining about issues that are really minor and trivial. Don't sweat the small stuff, nor place so much energy on things which really aren't that important.

I have found myself seeking answers from above, making promises that 'if he gets through all this, I will make sure I am a better daughter, I will always try and make better choices'. It's funny how when you are left in the silence of the night by yourself, you are willing to negotiate and make promises to the universe in exchange for a better set of cards.

I've decided right now to stop making promises to the universe and start living accordingly to my Dad's own set of mantras. No time is better than the present to BE the BEST person you can be. Stop nagging, stop complaining about trivial things which don't matter; lean in, lend a hand and just be a first class version of yourself. Be honest.

It is one thing to read this, but another to be proactive and DO this. Respect your partner, be kind to your friends, but above all, be KIND to yourself. Try not to yell, endeavour not to be tough on people, but rather just on the problem and for goodness sake, be AUTHENTIC. Don't take people for granted; show gratitude and compassion.

Dad has kept his father's funeral service card since 1991 which has the following quote (Shakespeare no less) "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

To the modern ear it means that you are healthier and happier when you act according to your own personal convictions and beliefs rather than acting to please others. This is a nice sentiment, but much harder to do than to say. Life is filled with compromises, and we have to follow many rules and conventions that we may not agree with.

As issues become more and more crucial, we have to decide how much ground we are willing to give. In life and death situations, the persons are rare who are willing to put their lives at risk in support of a deeply held conviction.

I sit here in utter amazement, of how one person (whose body has been through the ringer) does not complain. Instead, he checks in with everyone else, asks them about their problems and just listens and nods with an empathetic smile.

Even those that have been not so kind to Dad in the past, but have the cheek to ask for his help, Dad helps them. I queried Dad over this, saying people are users and why is he helping them - it doesn't seem fair. All Dad does is look at me, and say 'Janey, even if they have wronged you, that's in the past. If they come do you in a time of need, why kick them when they are already down? What you must do is lean in, lend a hand and help them up'. I sit here baffled; he really is the definition of a good human.

There has been a collection of times in my life whereupon my ego has stopped me from being understanding and compassionate. Instead, I have been a stubborn mule and not been the bigger person, given I believed 'I was right'. Sometimes, (even when we think we are right and have been wronged) we need to forgive quickly and just let. it. go. Life is too short to harbour ill feeling, to talk negatively about others and to hurt those who matter most.

As humans, we all have good and bad points. Don't try to necessarily change people, accept them for who they are and look for the good in them. It is a good attitude to have. I am not saying that you have to put up with bad behaviour. I have experienced people pushing limits with me and thinking 'I can treat Jane like this, because she won't stand up for herself and she lets me push her'. Instead of making a song and dance about it, I let. it. go. Do as my Dad does, and no longer hang out with them.

My dearest and best friend will tell you, that I use to be a real people pleaser. Always wanting to be liked and trying to have loads of friends. The moment I finally listened to her, and became grateful for those few real friends I have, and focussed on them, life became less complicated and meaningful. Dad reckons he has been telling me that for years, and laughs how I finally seem to be listening. Being a good friend is a full time job and just like Dad, I am really happy with the ones close to me in my life - they would give me the shirt of their back in a heart beat.

It's now Wednesday morning here in New Zealand and it has been raining non-stop. I have been reading into it, wondering when the storm will clear and the sun will shine. As Dad has just said today, 'the sun will come out again Janey, storms pass and nothing lasts forever'.

I ask that for the few of you who read this, that you take even something very small from what I have written. Be authentic. Be true to yourself. Be kind. Be compassionate. Don't major in minor things nor whine about stuff which isn't really a big deal. Ask yourself this, 'is this really worth my energy right now; will I actually care about this when I am 70'?

We can always buy more things, but we can't buy more time. Take this opportunity to be a beautiful person. 

When we have kids one day, I know Gray and myself will send off our little people with their spaceman / dinosaur / fairy lunch boxes to school and always say 'if you can do one thing today let it be this: work hard, play hard but above all, BE KIND'. x x x

Don’t be a Nancy when you don’t have to be..

It’s crazy to think that I started this blog such a while back, fresh off the boat from New Zealand and with little to no idea about how things would be two years on; let alone where I would even be.

The last post I wrote was in November. Even since then, my life has vastly changed, with some beautiful memories and then obviously, some moments which have been somewhat challenging. I have not written anything since, as I believed that this blog was done; it had served its purpose and I would move on to other things!

However, I feel this is the right time to reemerge and for those of you who are interested, I would share with you a very valid lesson I have learned along life’s yellow brick road.

I may still not be a full-time fairy, nor own my own café by the sea, but I am in a completely different place to where I once was and I view it all as largely positive. 

Although I may not have reached those abovementioned ‘goals’, I have started to see my own potential, have belief in my friends and have started to trust my own judgment. Moreover, I love the way I am starting to actually deal with life – with whatever it throws at me. 

Life. Four small letters which sum up what we are all immersed in. It can deal us some pretty tricky cards at the best of times. I have recently felt like the past three months have been what I coin ‘somewhat hellish’. You know those times where you think what more can go wrong and you start to believe that the world is really not on your side. 

It feels as if the pressure has been laid on thick, and no self-help book can quick fix the anxious panic boiling up inside. You feel as if life is about to break you. 

I was scared, I panicked and I guess I was left with three options:  

a) pretend it isn’t happening;

b) react to it (and by that I mean basically lose it); or

c) get through it. 

I must confess that I did dabble with options a) and b) but can now safely say that choosing c) has been my saving grace. Ideally, we all want to be strong enough to choose this option. 

We are the masters of our own universe. I use to have complete internal conflict with this mantra. It did not sound real or practical on any level. The truth is, when there is no-one else to come to our rescue, we must muster up all we have and take total responsibility for our feelings and current circumstances. 

We can all play the woe is me card to some extent, but it doesn’t get you out of your rut. You may receive a few sympathy cards here and there, but the truth is, the majority of people will only come to your pity party for a limited time.  No-one likes to be around a negative Nancy. The more you and Nance become alike, the more negative you are probably going to attract into your life. 

I was absolutely devastated when I heard my Dad was unwell. My Dad is the guy who I spoke with every other day (even though I lived in London) and my own life coach! When I needed advice I would call on him. He was and still is my personal guru. It’s a tough realisation when we start to truly appreciate our parents aren’t infallible. It hit me hard and given the circumstances, Dad has not been able to call / email me as often. I spent awhile feeling frustrated and pretty hopeless, being angry and upset and then fell into a big black hole. 

 

I became withdrawn and really did start to look at everything which was seemingly going wrong in my life. Things seemed to snow ball in a big way and I was falling even further down the hole.  Although I had experienced these feelings before and somehow managed to come out the other side, I remained down the rabbit hole. 

Work seemed long and hard, I belittled myself as to why I wasn’t doing what I thought I ‘should’ be doing career wise and I didn’t want to see anyone. It was during one of these broken moments when I cracked. I was literally sick of being like this. I realised in that very quiet moment, I DON’T HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY…

Strange how seven basic words are loaded with such meaning. When we are locked in situations of pure rage, anger, sadness and frustration, it is hard to see the wood from the trees. We feel powerless and are locked into a negative mindset being controlled by emotion. It’s that emotion which has a tight grasp around us and although we may be trying to escape it - we just can’t. 

So what do you do? You stop fighting. Accept how you are feeling and realise that the only reason you are feeling this way is because you are focusing on everything that feels dire and is wrong. Take ownership and search deep to find courage that this too shall pass. Cling on to hope and stop feeding your inner Nancy. 

We can automatically feel low because we start to think about all the things that life does to us and this creates an avalanche of pain. We all know from our own experiences that this doesn’t have to always be the case. 

There have been plenty of bad situations which arise, whereupon you seem to have not fallen into the depths of the rabbit hole and have been able to soldier on. What makes what I have just described any different? It’s not because of luck or that you were necessarily stronger at that time, it was merely because you were being realistic. 

You realised somewhere down your path, that by feeding your negative Nancy, it was just going to depress you further and so you therefore chose not to play with Nancy. You didn’t change your immediate circumstances but you did change your mind set. You clung on to that feeling of hope that the crap you are facing is only transient and it isn’t going to define you and ruin your day; you took the control back. 

I’m no psychologist, let alone do I have any neuro-science background, but what I do know is that our emotions run on a cause and effect pattern. 

I recently thought about how two people can go through the same crisis but deal with it completely differently. I agree that we must all take some time to acknowledge how we are feeling; acknowledgement of pain is more than important as denial can be somewhat deadly but it doesn’t need to consume us. We cannot control the extent of things which can happen to us in our lives, but we can control how we choose to deal or react to it. 

In a nutshell what am I saying? With a positive attitude, choice of mindset, value can be created from anything that happens in life. You get to choose how you want to play your cards; you get to choose how you want to feel; you get to choose whether you are going to be a worrier or a warrior. 

I hope you too, are able to find this place, to channel life’s goodness and to ensure your own life is filled with abundance. 

It doesn’t matter what life throws at you – YOU got this. As my Dad has taught me, ‘it’s not why things happen, it’s how we best pick ourselves up. That’s what it’s important.' You don’t have to be a Nancy if you don’t want to; it’s your own choice.

It's not a breakdown it's a breakthrough

The last time I took to this blog, (in an attempt to write something meaningful) I burst into tears. They were tears of confusion and frustration; and I felt completely uninspired. I remember putting on my green winter coat, hiding my wet cheeks with a woollen scarf, and walking with a tight chest and feelings of irritation. I got home a few hours later and collapsed onto my bedroom floor. It wasn't because I was worried about my growing pile of rejection letters (I felt like I had applied for every creative job under the sun, thinking a change in career would be easy), it was the very real fear that I could no longer go on shunning my career aspirations which is simply doing something which I actually loved. I knew that in order to create such a reality, I must have to make some tough decisions and show commitment to my journey.

Ever since being honest to my boss about what it was I intended doing long-term (which would not include law), being honest to those who matter and being determined to do something about it - I have not only been surprised at the amount of support I have received, I have felt so much lighter within. The scene of desperate frustration in my bedroom that strained evening seems now, like a distant memory. At the time it felt like I was going through a breakdown; I know now that this was actually the beginnings of a personal breakthrough.

I have always shown an interest in not just writing, but acting. I was also fortunate enough to have experienced a somewhat magical childhood, where everything from fairies, thinking the reason 'whispering willows' were called that was because they were actually talking and it didn't matter how sore I was from falling over, bubbles made everything okay. Add some sparkles,   woodland characters who could talk and a magical fairy in a tree and I am sure most 7 year olds would feel surrounded in bliss. A world filled with teaching good lessons and the mantra that gratitude is an attitude. I wanted to write and film a children's television show and call it Fairy Jane. Along with her wise owl, furry caterpillar, brown bear and green frog, she teaches them the importance of kindness, gratitude, honesty and other important life values. 

It may sound to some like an absurd and crazy idea, but my real desire to just give it a try and do it, is more important to me than the end result; that is, whether it is successful or not. 

One of the main reasons we often fail to do the things we absolutely love is because we’re concerned of what other people will think. Making the decision to change your pathway is frightening enough on its own, and once you add the pressure of wondering how other people will react and how your life may change and you may fail, you begin trying to win a race you've already lost.

It's not just the fear of failure which is hard, but the change which comes with it. Some people you least expect surprise you with their support and encouragement; others may shock you with their disapproval and concern that you are making the wrong decision. Sometimes, the thing that’s best for you isn’t necessarily the best for others, but at some point you have to decide to put your own needs first. You have to make yourself a priority. You need to do so however, with grace.

Of course my ideas and ambition have received some ridicule and over the past month there have been times where I have wanted to give up. I questioned whether I was making a huge mistake - how do I even make a fairy set, is my script worth reading, do I have a back up plan? All these questions seemed to create unnecessary mental warfare in my mind. I have started writing down answers to such questions whenever these fears pop into my head. At the end of day, what is the very worst that can happen? 

I can give my fresh ideas a try and if its concept doesn't make it - I still have a skill set I can fall back on! One fear which constantly goes on in my head is putting everything on the line, not having enough money to pay the rent and being evicted. This could be classed as irrational but even if this was to happen, I have a great bunch of friends whose couches have my name on it! What I have started to learn slowly, is that what at first seems like a problem, pretty much always has a solution attached to it. We sometimes are just so quick to stare at the problem and feel helpless, rather than be rational about it and see the solution. 

The purpose of this post, is not necessarily asking you to all go out and quit your day job and seek out your dreams, but to be reassured that there is no harm in allowing yourself to be real and let your gut guide you. 

We are all taught from a young age, that risks are frightening, it is 'better to be on the safe side' and to stop having our head in the clouds. I am realistic about Fairy Jane. I need to still work in my current profession for the time being, but I am hopeful that with continued passion, drive and dedication - Fairy Jane and her world of joy, magic and fun will not be confined to just the walls of this blog.

I believe since I have finally acknowledged what it is I truly want to do, my pathway is becoming much more clearer. When you acknowledge your inner voice and use it as your trusty compass, most answers you are seeking out will be found on this journey.

My blog started as ideas to make your room your haven, craft tips and gift ideas. It then morphed into something away from this subject and into life lessons I have experienced since being in London. I never set out with the intention of having the subject matter change, but that is the beauty of our own journey. It changes, it surprises us and it helps shape who we are. I have gone from writing about building a book shelf, through to admitting my desire to ideally farewell my corporate suit in exchange for a fairy costume... Some have asked me how I came to this decision and found out what I wanted. It has been easy;  I trusted my inner voice and made my own set of fairy wings... 

Inspiring a generation both on and off the track

London 2012. Two words loaded with so much meaning and inspiration. As most newspapers and other articles will tell you – it’s been an amazing past couple of months. We have all been inspired, touched and motivated in some way.

I went to bed particularly late last night and woke this morning – my mind plagued with the same thought – What did 2012 do to me?  

I have been sitting on this blog, perhaps awaiting some pivotal moment whereupon I could perhaps ride on the coat tails of these great games and blog about the sense of unity and achievement I felt during this time; but I have felt there are greater lessons we can take away.

Focus on the present

When you are actually doing the best that you can out on the track, on the diving board or in the office, don’t get fixated on what you must or need to do later, focus on the task at hand – give it your best and stop worrying about the outcome. Just focus on what’s in front of you, not on what you missed in the past or how you may fail in the future.

Things will become easier if you adopt this kind of focus. You’ll create less anxiety and unnecessary pressure on yourself to succeed and you will perform better because you are just focusing on what’s right in front of you.

“I’m trying to do the best I can. I’m not concerned with tomorrow, but with what goes on today.”-

Mark Spitz, Swimmer

Things don’t need to be complicated, things are only as complicated and messy as YOU make them

I am the first to admit I have majored in minor things, read into situations, peoples comments, but at the end of the day this has got me nowhere; all it has done is create unnecessary anxiety and stress.

The human condition (as I call it), teaches us to fight for the underdog, the person that goes through immense struggle to find success – a type of success that one simply dreams about.

Achievement and success takes precious time. Approaching and dealing with things like you are in some sort of mine field and stressed with the intense struggle, may make for a great story in the newspaper, but in actual fact, it isn’t the most pleasant way to deal with things. Making things a lot harder than they are will just create mental warfare and feed that negative chatterbox.

The way you view things and your attitude, does, to a large degree, determine your experience, and how or if you take action. This isn’t to say that things can’t be difficult, but making things harder than they need to be is not beneficial. This links into self-worth and being kind to yourself. Let that kind of thinking go and replace it with a lighter, less serious attitude – a good attitude.

“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” - Scott Hamilton, Figure Skating

Look at the bigger picture to achieve success – love what you do

I look at these athletes who are so talented, and I have pondered – how do you become so brilliant at something?

Nowadays we are taught to work smarter and not harder. However, to me, people are placed into two categories: Those who put in years and years of hard work to achieve; and those, who just don’t bother. What is the human psyche behind this? What drives these people to keep pushing, keep working harder and harder?

To some degree, it could be because they are surrounded by encouragement and recognise that they need to be challenged outside of their comfort zone – but I think it’s more so because they love what they do.

So focus on doing what you love – if you love what you do, you will never have to ‘work’ another day in your life.

“The first thing is to love your sport. Never do it to please someone else. It has to be yours.” -

- Peggy Fleming, Figure skating

Leave the negativity at home - it’s contagious if you let it dominant your playground

Countless times, I have allowed other people’s negative opinions to subconsciously become my own. What I have continuously failed to realise, time and time again is, that is all they are - ‘other peoples opinions’; they aren’t actually fact.

When faced with a problem, listen to that inner voice we have discussed previously, sit very still and ask yourself a few questions: Are these people involved in this?  Do they actually know anything about it? Are they just sharing their insecurities or their own pessimism? Do they not want me to grow, because they are actually the ones that fear change?

A lot of the time, I have people airing their own problems and belief systems – rather than giving me accurate facts and solid advice. This is not to say don’t listen to people. Far from that, (remember the 80:20 rule). Listen 80 percent, speak the remaining 20. If what someone says makes logical rational sense, sure, take that on board, but hold fast to your own inner voice and opinion.

Make your own decisions rather than listening to what other people ‘think’ you should do.

“When anyone tells me I can’t do anything, I’m just not listening any more.” 

- Florence Griffith Joyner, Sprinter

Keep humble – keep your own ego in check

Once you let success go to your head, the world of total arrogance will absorb you. It can also make you more emotionally reactive (rather than responsive) as you inflate your ego and strongly identify with your achievements.

Of course success FEELS and IS amazing. When you grasp it – it’s the best feeling, but soon you may begin to doubt that you are still as good as your last achievement and as wonderful as everyone said you were. It is from this you become more reactive to criticism. This affects the steadiness of your focus, thoughts and emotions. Internally, self-doubt and sabotage will come to life.

All of this cannot only affect your relationships with other people but also your performance. This isn’t saying you cannot have a high level of self-promotion, worth and confidence in your abilities, it just mean you should keep your ego in check, and not get completely caught up in past achievements and allowing your ego to become too inflated.

“I’m the same kind of guy before all this happened.”

- Michael Phelps, Swimmer

Compare yourself to no-one

All you can see is what people choose to show you. The people you think you envy have problems too. The only comparison you can make is to how you’ve progressed on your own personal journey. Stay in your lane, stay focused on your own race and don’t worry if there are people ahead of you. Remember it’s not about winning in the long run, it’s about taking part.

“I Didn’t Set Out to Beat the World; I Just Set Out to Do My Absolute Best.”

- Al Oerter, four-time gold medal winner, Discus

It’s about taking risks

To get what you really want you will pretty much always have to take risks. Of course, sometimes we choose not to – because of fear.

It’s about finding that inner courage and strength and taking the plunge; taking the risk. In order to stop allowing fear to control you, you need to ask yourself – what actually is the WORST that could happen? It’s so easy to build up a negative mindset and not do something in order to feel safe. 80 percent of what we fear doesn’t actually eventuate.

How many times in your life did ALL of your fears in your head come true? The more you realise how very few had, the more I think you will be able to feel more confident with taking risks.

“He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.”

- Muhammad Ali, Boxer

London 2012. See the wider lessons. Both these Olympians and Paralympians can teach us much much more than just being good at competitive sport.

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much

I started writing a blog post congratulating myself on my one year anniversary in London. I wrote in huge detail all the main life lessons I had encountered; what I had learned most about myself and above all – I wrote about all the amazing individuals I have met along the way.

It has gone so quickly, and I have been blessed in so many respects, it’s hard not to pinch myself. I sometimes feel that I have been living in a dream-like trance with the good fortune I have experienced and the various people who have enriched my life greatly.

Before a final read through of this draft, I had, (as I call it) ‘after school’ sport which always happens on a Wednesday eve after work at Sport England.

I am part of a mixed team called the Hungry Hippos, and we tend to play different sports each season. I joined this past season to partake in Ultimate Frisbee. This ideally filled my longing to be back in a team sport environment and the challenge of playing a new (and different) sport.

I have not played mixed sport for years, (I blame going to a single sex school accompanied with lack of confidence that boys wouldn’t pass to me), but was reassured over and over again that the Hippos weren’t like that and it was more about being part of a team both on and off the field.

The Hippos are a great team. Within the first few weeks of playing with this fantastic bunch, not only had my forehand throw and catching vastly improved, I found myself getting to know so much about these people and felt an instant bond with my fellow team mates.

I worked with most of them, but I was astounded about how much more I was learning about them as individuals and how much I was enjoying being part of something again. Even the train ride to Wednesday night games was filled with many stories, much laughter and a good game plan. The amount of support and teaching which has been given to me has been out of this world.

Being ranked fourth, and having to play the top team in our semi-finals, we thought we were goners. Particularly, after the first half where we were being beaten by a good four points! However, together with our hype crew on the side, belief in our ability to turn this around and the cohesive feel within our team – we ended up winning and getting through to the final winning 13-12. Although we didn’t win the final, we still managed to make it – and that in itself made us so delighted that our post-match drink tasted even better than usual.

We ended up at our local watering hole that evening expecting a few drinks, a few high-fives and a few laughs. Although we managed to ‘cheers’ to a wonderful season and to a new season ahead, we also had to farewell our fellow co-worker, Hippo-member and friend – Dan.

Daniel passed away suddenly that evening at the pub. Such an energetic, sports-loving and fit guy - who was just 40. He only felt a slight pain in his chest, and then excused himself to go to the bathroom. The next time we saw him he was being taken in an ambulance to the hospital. There was nothing the doctors could do, nor anything any of the Hippos could have done to have prevented it.

Over the past few weeks, there has been a lot of reflection, tears, laughter and sadness. It has not only affected the people who were there that eve, but the entire workplace, his friends, and his beloved family.

I have been fortunate enough to meet with Daniel’s family over the past two weeks who have come over from Australia. The amount of love, gratitude and grace they have displayed in this time of grief and loss has been simply amazing. You could tell in an instant that Dan’s family were his ‘own team’ and the closeness and bond between them is indescribable.  

Understandably, there have been many tears; but this has also been echoed with laughter and amazing story telling. What I have further learned about Dan – was what I already knew: he was an immensely talented, driven and kind hearted individual.

My experiences with Dan (both in the workplace and on the field) have been that he went the extra mile in whatever he did. He understood the real meaning of being in a team and what partaking in one truly meant.

I have always looked up to my parents and have been inspired with how they constantly keep their marriage rock solid – they are each other’s best friend. I view them as role models for the kind of marriage I hope to have one day.  My Mum has always always instilled the same model of thinking in me – the importance of ‘being in the same team’ and being on the same page – that is how you create this kind of success. The interesting part of these teachings is that I haven’t really understood both the incredible benefits and importance of being in a team until I got involved with my fellow Hippos.

Dan constantly feed me encouragement and good constructive criticism during both our practices and matches. He never gave up on me and always ALWAYS encouraged me to be the best version of myself on the field. I can see now, this is something I will take with me across all areas of my life. He was so committed not just to his fellow Hippos, but to his job, his relationships and his family.

Whilst there is a gap now in a lot of people’s lives, I know that with each new sport I play, each new role I undertake at work, and in my relationships, I have now adopted what I call ‘team Dan mentality’. Being in a team has the potential to foster a fulfilling and meaningful way of working together – in reality, you are all working towards some sort of common goal.

Strangely enough, I read a quote yesterday from Vince Lombardi, which is quite fitting for this piece:

"Individual commitment to a group effort? that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilisation work."

Thank you Dan for letting me in your team and teaching me the true meaning of being part of one x.

The Hippos - after reaching the finals; July 2012.