No matter what - you've got to have hope

When the Universe forces you up against a brick wall, you have one of two choices: give up or find ways to get around that wall. Accept that the position you are in won’t confine you forever - try and move past it. The latter is a lot easier said than done. I recently felt that there was no way around a particular brick wall and I had no idea how I was meant to deal with it.

When hope is taken away from you, you are stripped down and left with very little courage; it’s like you are surrounded only by brick walls and you are left without the option of being able to get around them. You become angry with the state of play, your mind dabbles with feelings of denial and this then leads to bitterness. Our family knows what this feels like – as hope was taken away from us.

I would say that Dad is the modern day, male version of Pollyanna. He sees the good in everything and everyone and I have never seen him in a slump – up until, what we now refer to as ‘D Day.’ That day, was 30 September 2013. It will be a date I don’t think any of us will ever forget. That was the day Dad was told by four oncologists, there’s nothing more we can do – your liver just isn’t working, we presume the cancer has spread there – go home, be with your family, enjoy what you can.

I was back in London for just 48 hours and had to turn around and come back. I was in a state and my packing was atrocious. My suitcase weighed 8 kgs as it only contained a few funeral outfits and several pairs of yoga pants.

I cannot begin to describe to you how being told that sort of life expectancy feels. What I can tell you, is that when the Universe pushes you into a situation like this, places a brick wall in front of you, you will start to take note of people’s extraordinary courage, kindness and love; you become much more aware. You also stop caring about the trivial, and your definition of a good day changes. Our definition of a good day became a hospital free day.

We decided that we would get married so Dad could oversee and conduct the ceremony. We tried to be as upbeat as possible but there was now an awful elephant lingering in the room – one which none of us wanted to discuss.

I’ve never seen my father give up on anything, or be less than positive - up until now. Why? well any hope that was there had been taken away from him. When you are stripped of all hope you cannot even begin to try and make your away around a brick wall.

A week later the phone rang. It was a South African specialist who had a cancellation (Dad had been trying to see him for months) and would Dad like to come and see him. In front of my Mum and brother who said that this was brilliant news, Dad looked up at them and said "what’s the point?"

It was both Mum and my amazing brother, (who I have to say never gave up hope and not because he was in denial, but rather, he believed that there had to be some way to get around this brick wall), told Dad there was a point to going to see this man, and he should go. The appointment gave my Dad a new mind set, a different perspective; but more importantly - it gave Dad hope.

He had looked closely at Dad’s scans and tests and had taken into consideration Dad’s reactions to all treatment to date. He said all was not lost, and to fight this, day by day… as anything is possible. All drugs were stopped, research was done, a new diet started and a miracle was born.

We all need hope. What does it do? Well, it creates a sense of appreciation and gratitude you never thought possible. You start to look at things very, very differently – it gives you another chance, a new perspective.

Hope, like faith is often the hardest thing to hold onto especially when you need it the most. But the only other option in those moments is despair. Whilst despair is humbling and quite natural, hope goes beyond natural; hope is supernatural especially in moments of darkness.

Slowly but surely, the fluid build-up each week on Dad’s stomach became less. At one stage he was waddling around with 14 litres on him, it looked like he wasn’t getting better – those four doctors were right! But, something was happening behind the scenes; something rather remarkable. His liver was healing by itself, very, very slowly.

People were shocked to see his appearance, given how much smaller he had become, but you have to understand our bodies are not built to endure such hard drugs and invasive surgery. You also have to understand from reading this – anything is possible. ANYTHING. When Dad got his hope back, it reinstated his positive persona and he was not going to let a brick wall stand in his way.

The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough; they’re there to stop the other people.

22 November 2013 – another day we will never forget. For it was on this day, the same Doctor who had sent Dad home, said a miracle had happened; Dad’s liver had been healing itself and was starting to function normally. The latest scan shows no tumours to be found on the lung or the liver.

Someone once said “Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.” For me this was one of those moments, for it shows, that anything IS possible. No matter what life throws in your way, even when you are stripped of everything – you’ve got to have hope.

Hope is not pure optimism. The two are closely linked but are still quite different. Optimism is seeing the proverbial glass as half-full. I think hope is being able to see the good or expect goodness even when the glass is half-empty or in situations where there is no glass at all and you are dealt a crappy hand of cards.

24 November 2013 – that is today’s date and my parent’s 34^th wedding anniversary; an anniversary both didn’t expect to share together. It is also a day where the sun is shining so brightly and I have had the best night’s sleep. The best I have had in several months.  

My job here, for the time being is done. It’s time for me and my yoga pants to head back to the other side of the world and leave my folks to enjoy the sunshine together.

In the words of Jon Olphert from my last post “'the sun will come out again Janey, storms pass and nothing lasts forever”… How right he was?!.  I love you Dad x

The sun will come out tomorrow

As much as it is sometimes tough to write such posts (writer's block and all that jazz), I am at home and my Dad really enjoys reading what I have to say, so I figured I would give this another go.

We still laugh that I should be working with kids, selling my baking goods and making it as a weather girl somewhere. Instead, wanting to be just like my Dad I did law. 50k student loan later, and wondering what I am doing half the time I still deeply question it. However, law really has come in handy, because as Dad says, I have learnt the power of (please excuse my use of phrase here) 'bull shit' and I am even able to talk my way out of speeding fines when pulled over...

I arrived home from London last Thursday (New Zealand time) and went straight to the hospital to visit Dad. He didn't know I was coming. He laughed a lot and told me I was very sneaky! I don't think I have never felt such mixed feelings of happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Once we got him home, he has been adamant to do some 'billable' hours and read over files. No matter what life has thrown at him over the past 5 months, he has shown such resilience and been so positive, you would not even know what he has gone through. The poor guy has been comforting me; when it really should be the other way around.

It's times like this, when you don't know what is around the corner (he has baffled doctors), and although we will get more clarity later this week, his brave and wonderful attitude sets an example that we can all learn from, even when we are uncertain of what is approaching.

I have found myself stopping mid-sentence whilst talking to him, as I realise I am complaining about issues that are really minor and trivial. Don't sweat the small stuff, nor place so much energy on things which really aren't that important.

I have found myself seeking answers from above, making promises that 'if he gets through all this, I will make sure I am a better daughter, I will always try and make better choices'. It's funny how when you are left in the silence of the night by yourself, you are willing to negotiate and make promises to the universe in exchange for a better set of cards.

I've decided right now to stop making promises to the universe and start living accordingly to my Dad's own set of mantras. No time is better than the present to BE the BEST person you can be. Stop nagging, stop complaining about trivial things which don't matter; lean in, lend a hand and just be a first class version of yourself. Be honest.

It is one thing to read this, but another to be proactive and DO this. Respect your partner, be kind to your friends, but above all, be KIND to yourself. Try not to yell, endeavour not to be tough on people, but rather just on the problem and for goodness sake, be AUTHENTIC. Don't take people for granted; show gratitude and compassion.

Dad has kept his father's funeral service card since 1991 which has the following quote (Shakespeare no less) "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

To the modern ear it means that you are healthier and happier when you act according to your own personal convictions and beliefs rather than acting to please others. This is a nice sentiment, but much harder to do than to say. Life is filled with compromises, and we have to follow many rules and conventions that we may not agree with.

As issues become more and more crucial, we have to decide how much ground we are willing to give. In life and death situations, the persons are rare who are willing to put their lives at risk in support of a deeply held conviction.

I sit here in utter amazement, of how one person (whose body has been through the ringer) does not complain. Instead, he checks in with everyone else, asks them about their problems and just listens and nods with an empathetic smile.

Even those that have been not so kind to Dad in the past, but have the cheek to ask for his help, Dad helps them. I queried Dad over this, saying people are users and why is he helping them - it doesn't seem fair. All Dad does is look at me, and say 'Janey, even if they have wronged you, that's in the past. If they come do you in a time of need, why kick them when they are already down? What you must do is lean in, lend a hand and help them up'. I sit here baffled; he really is the definition of a good human.

There has been a collection of times in my life whereupon my ego has stopped me from being understanding and compassionate. Instead, I have been a stubborn mule and not been the bigger person, given I believed 'I was right'. Sometimes, (even when we think we are right and have been wronged) we need to forgive quickly and just let. it. go. Life is too short to harbour ill feeling, to talk negatively about others and to hurt those who matter most.

As humans, we all have good and bad points. Don't try to necessarily change people, accept them for who they are and look for the good in them. It is a good attitude to have. I am not saying that you have to put up with bad behaviour. I have experienced people pushing limits with me and thinking 'I can treat Jane like this, because she won't stand up for herself and she lets me push her'. Instead of making a song and dance about it, I let. it. go. Do as my Dad does, and no longer hang out with them.

My dearest and best friend will tell you, that I use to be a real people pleaser. Always wanting to be liked and trying to have loads of friends. The moment I finally listened to her, and became grateful for those few real friends I have, and focussed on them, life became less complicated and meaningful. Dad reckons he has been telling me that for years, and laughs how I finally seem to be listening. Being a good friend is a full time job and just like Dad, I am really happy with the ones close to me in my life - they would give me the shirt of their back in a heart beat.

It's now Wednesday morning here in New Zealand and it has been raining non-stop. I have been reading into it, wondering when the storm will clear and the sun will shine. As Dad has just said today, 'the sun will come out again Janey, storms pass and nothing lasts forever'.

I ask that for the few of you who read this, that you take even something very small from what I have written. Be authentic. Be true to yourself. Be kind. Be compassionate. Don't major in minor things nor whine about stuff which isn't really a big deal. Ask yourself this, 'is this really worth my energy right now; will I actually care about this when I am 70'?

We can always buy more things, but we can't buy more time. Take this opportunity to be a beautiful person. 

When we have kids one day, I know Gray and myself will send off our little people with their spaceman / dinosaur / fairy lunch boxes to school and always say 'if you can do one thing today let it be this: work hard, play hard but above all, BE KIND'. x x x

Don’t be a Nancy when you don’t have to be..

It’s crazy to think that I started this blog such a while back, fresh off the boat from New Zealand and with little to no idea about how things would be two years on; let alone where I would even be.

The last post I wrote was in November. Even since then, my life has vastly changed, with some beautiful memories and then obviously, some moments which have been somewhat challenging. I have not written anything since, as I believed that this blog was done; it had served its purpose and I would move on to other things!

However, I feel this is the right time to reemerge and for those of you who are interested, I would share with you a very valid lesson I have learned along life’s yellow brick road.

I may still not be a full-time fairy, nor own my own café by the sea, but I am in a completely different place to where I once was and I view it all as largely positive. 

Although I may not have reached those abovementioned ‘goals’, I have started to see my own potential, have belief in my friends and have started to trust my own judgment. Moreover, I love the way I am starting to actually deal with life – with whatever it throws at me. 

Life. Four small letters which sum up what we are all immersed in. It can deal us some pretty tricky cards at the best of times. I have recently felt like the past three months have been what I coin ‘somewhat hellish’. You know those times where you think what more can go wrong and you start to believe that the world is really not on your side. 

It feels as if the pressure has been laid on thick, and no self-help book can quick fix the anxious panic boiling up inside. You feel as if life is about to break you. 

I was scared, I panicked and I guess I was left with three options:  

a) pretend it isn’t happening;

b) react to it (and by that I mean basically lose it); or

c) get through it. 

I must confess that I did dabble with options a) and b) but can now safely say that choosing c) has been my saving grace. Ideally, we all want to be strong enough to choose this option. 

We are the masters of our own universe. I use to have complete internal conflict with this mantra. It did not sound real or practical on any level. The truth is, when there is no-one else to come to our rescue, we must muster up all we have and take total responsibility for our feelings and current circumstances. 

We can all play the woe is me card to some extent, but it doesn’t get you out of your rut. You may receive a few sympathy cards here and there, but the truth is, the majority of people will only come to your pity party for a limited time.  No-one likes to be around a negative Nancy. The more you and Nance become alike, the more negative you are probably going to attract into your life. 

I was absolutely devastated when I heard my Dad was unwell. My Dad is the guy who I spoke with every other day (even though I lived in London) and my own life coach! When I needed advice I would call on him. He was and still is my personal guru. It’s a tough realisation when we start to truly appreciate our parents aren’t infallible. It hit me hard and given the circumstances, Dad has not been able to call / email me as often. I spent awhile feeling frustrated and pretty hopeless, being angry and upset and then fell into a big black hole. 

 

I became withdrawn and really did start to look at everything which was seemingly going wrong in my life. Things seemed to snow ball in a big way and I was falling even further down the hole.  Although I had experienced these feelings before and somehow managed to come out the other side, I remained down the rabbit hole. 

Work seemed long and hard, I belittled myself as to why I wasn’t doing what I thought I ‘should’ be doing career wise and I didn’t want to see anyone. It was during one of these broken moments when I cracked. I was literally sick of being like this. I realised in that very quiet moment, I DON’T HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY…

Strange how seven basic words are loaded with such meaning. When we are locked in situations of pure rage, anger, sadness and frustration, it is hard to see the wood from the trees. We feel powerless and are locked into a negative mindset being controlled by emotion. It’s that emotion which has a tight grasp around us and although we may be trying to escape it - we just can’t. 

So what do you do? You stop fighting. Accept how you are feeling and realise that the only reason you are feeling this way is because you are focusing on everything that feels dire and is wrong. Take ownership and search deep to find courage that this too shall pass. Cling on to hope and stop feeding your inner Nancy. 

We can automatically feel low because we start to think about all the things that life does to us and this creates an avalanche of pain. We all know from our own experiences that this doesn’t have to always be the case. 

There have been plenty of bad situations which arise, whereupon you seem to have not fallen into the depths of the rabbit hole and have been able to soldier on. What makes what I have just described any different? It’s not because of luck or that you were necessarily stronger at that time, it was merely because you were being realistic. 

You realised somewhere down your path, that by feeding your negative Nancy, it was just going to depress you further and so you therefore chose not to play with Nancy. You didn’t change your immediate circumstances but you did change your mind set. You clung on to that feeling of hope that the crap you are facing is only transient and it isn’t going to define you and ruin your day; you took the control back. 

I’m no psychologist, let alone do I have any neuro-science background, but what I do know is that our emotions run on a cause and effect pattern. 

I recently thought about how two people can go through the same crisis but deal with it completely differently. I agree that we must all take some time to acknowledge how we are feeling; acknowledgement of pain is more than important as denial can be somewhat deadly but it doesn’t need to consume us. We cannot control the extent of things which can happen to us in our lives, but we can control how we choose to deal or react to it. 

In a nutshell what am I saying? With a positive attitude, choice of mindset, value can be created from anything that happens in life. You get to choose how you want to play your cards; you get to choose how you want to feel; you get to choose whether you are going to be a worrier or a warrior. 

I hope you too, are able to find this place, to channel life’s goodness and to ensure your own life is filled with abundance. 

It doesn’t matter what life throws at you – YOU got this. As my Dad has taught me, ‘it’s not why things happen, it’s how we best pick ourselves up. That’s what it’s important.' You don’t have to be a Nancy if you don’t want to; it’s your own choice.